The Body Keeps the Score
I often remind those in my influence about the power of their bodies, all the remembering and feeling that they do and all of the stories that they carry. Yet, I consistently take mine for granted. I sometimes work out well. I sometimes eat healthy. I RARELY ever get the sleep I need. My body constantly carries my trauma, but seldom is indulged by my care. I am frequently worried about its pain and in constant guilt about its desire for pleasure (read: SEX; sorry, Memaw). Our bodies – and how we feel about them – offer an important lens through which you see and engage with the world. It is because these feelings are invisible and can sometimes be substituted with the perspectives of society and others, that they regularly go ignored. So, instead of words of advice this month, I am offering vulnerability.
On Food and Exercise
As do many of us, I have my own unique relationship to food. I do not exaggerate when I tell you that my mother said to me and my siblings once, “Well, I may not have a lot of money to give you, but at least I can show my love through my food.” I have to be aware of this personal story and the other stories I have about the role of food in my life. It is in so many parts of our culture, how we show we’re different and how we show are sameness across intersections and generations. Date night? We go to dinner. Taking the kids out for a reward? Let’s treat them to ice cream. Sunday after church or even with no church at all? It is the primetime brunch hour.
Becoming aware was my first step.
Exploring healthier and realistic ways to engage with food without judgment from my own self, has been key. Since last September, I have been consistently exercising and just making moving my body a part of my regular life practice. I FEEL better when my body is moving (I feel best when I’m dancing, but I’ll save that for another time). I GET the opportunity to broaden my palette and try new things and move everyDAY versus “I’ve got to weigh out three and a half ounces of chicken and go get on the treadmill AGAIN?”.
On Sex
I used to stand up real straight and tell anyone who was listening (when I wasn’t celibate) that I could have sex and be cool afterwards; be [platonic] friends once it was over; that it was the same as any other fun activity, such as bowling or playing video games. I know. I know what you’re saying. You do not have to give me that look because believe me, I am giving myself the side eyes as I type. It has taken me years to admit that sex and how I feel about it IS A BIG DEAL. Remember this whole piece is about the body, right?
How and what I choose to communicate through my body, how I choose to intimately reveal the most private parts of me to someone, how they show love (or not) to those intimate parts, how my heart and mind are felt when my body is interlocked with someone and their body
PLUS
all of the other lenses we carry like our faith, our health, our parents, our leaders, our TV shows, our music, our status, our mental health
EQUAL
Our sexuality AND a part of our lives that deserves more care and attention because WE deserve more care and attention. You have the opportunity to do with your body what you choose, and you deserve to be fully informed and authentic (with AT LEAST YOURSELF) about the connection your body, your mind, and your heart have to how you wield the power of your body sexually.
On Beauty
If my mama were here, she would tell you that I have always struggled to chart my way as a thicker, Black girl in the world. She taught me all the ways to “use what I got”, but it did not stop the pain of living in a world where it still never felt like enough. I have had to become the “exceptional Black woman” for the world to acknowledge me and acknowledge my thoughts and feelings as valid and needed. I have learned that so much of my value is placed on how I appear; if my butt is bubble or not; if I’m lighter or darker; if my waist cinches and my hips curve like mountains. Even as I rewrite this story for myself, I still ache at erasing eons of violence from the pages of my mind.
The fact is… the secret is… that if I want to be happy, if I want to be loved, I have to do it. I have to create it. I have to decide. So, I have decided (and have Got To Decide Everyday), that I am beauty. I have to love me and all my curves every day. I have to love the moles that seem to grow overnight and the wideness of my upper arms because every piece of me is what makes me who I am. I can want to get better. I can work to be healthier, to move and be active regularly, AND I still have to love WHOEVER stares back at me when I look in that mirror. That is just the bottom line.
Take some time out and think about all the stories your body is holding. Where do you need to reflect? How do you show up for your body? How does your heart and mind interact with your body? What is the role of your body in your world? What has your body learned? What scores are you keeping?