Say It With Your Chest: “SOME” Of the ABCs of Communication
The more I traverse the world, the more I realize that “communication” is one of those ambiguous concepts that everyone desires and yet everyone defines differently. Even our preferences for the form of how we connect with one another varies: maybe you are solely a texter and only want someone calling you if it’s a life or death situation, maybe you like to talk on the phone (like yours truly), maybe you wield the tool of playful sarcasm, or maybe you just need your information succinct and straight-to-the-point. Wherever you fall, effective communication is vital to our humanity and connectedness: the mission to both be heard and to understand. How we cross lines and bridge our worlds with our words deserves thoughtful care, and if I may, a few steps that go the extra mile in any conversation.
Curiosity
There’s care in being curious.
Not much can replace your genuine interest in what someone is communicating to you. You can feel the difference in someone just being present in a conversation versus someone wanting to know more about you and whatever it is you’re discussing. In my role as a therapist, I pose lots of questions all of the time, so my antennas go up when I hear someone being just as inquisitive as my natural and professional self. I can see them leaning in to me. It feels like a rush. It feels intimate. Even in conflict, imagine the difference in just seeking to get your point across and find common ground versus “I wonder what’s happening between us right now. I wonder why I’m feeling what I’m feeling. I wonder what my conversation partner is feeling and why they are feeling the way they are.” Curiosity unearths a world of possibilities and evolves small talk into the dynamic engagement that creates learning, laughter, and love.
Perception
Make sure you heard what was said, not what you perceived.
I know you’ve had it happen. You thought you had explained yourself and communicated your intentions well just for your conversation partner to hear something completely different that changes the heart of what you have just. explicitly. said. In my work with couples, there is a very powerful, life-giving, transformative tool that I encourage folks to use in almost every situation: JUST REPEAT BACK EXACTLY WHAT YOU HEARD THE OTHER PERSON SAY, better known as “reflective listening”. Because of our experiences, traumas, circumstances, and the like, we simply hear and understand things differently. However, I find that reflectively listening provides the clarity necessary for both you and your conversation partner; you’re able to make sure you hear exactly what they’re saying and they get to clarify and confirm what they meant to communicate. IT WORKS! Before I stepped into this work, this phenomenon would leave me both breathless and frustrated when I saw it happening and definitely when it happened to me. Now, it presses on my compassion for all of the “stuff” that we carry with us each and every day, and it almost excites me to give someone something new that they can use to change themselves and their world.
Validation
Show up for the other person. You’re on the same team (even when you don’t agree).
Validation is to successful communication what a mother’s kiss is to a playground scrape. It is explicitly the words, “I see you. I hear you. That make sense to me because…” Hear me clearly when I say that NO MATTER WHAT, your feelings are valid, they make sense in the context of your world and reality, and they deserve to be acknowledged. Particularly when you don’t agree with someone, validating and being validated creates a space where both perspectives can exist without the pressure of right and wrong and with the vulnerability of knowing that you are both seeking to connect to one another. It makes sense that there are feelings and experiences impacting what you need in order to connect. That is the essence of our humanity, and it is powerful. When we do not feel heard and understood, it makes sense that our survival strategies arise. We want to connect, but we can’t, so that’s frustrating. An “It’s okay. You’re okay. You’re making sense to me. You aren’t alone. I’ve felt that, too. I know what that’s like,” can truly change a heart.
Communication is at the center of our heart for connecting, and being able to do it well and to strive for better should be in our unwritten rules as humans coexisting on this planet. Whether in a romantic relationship, employee-employer relationship, or maybe hashing out aged grievances with an old friend, try listening to understand and speaking to be heard. Now, say that with your chest.